Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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