no, he came in my armpit
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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