Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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