you mean i was at the winter classic?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
