hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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