i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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