Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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