Cold hands, warm shart.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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