I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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