I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
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