New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
