my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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