Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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