apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
