i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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