It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
