You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
