Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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