JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
