i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
