You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
