he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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