My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
