MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
