you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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