He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
