I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
