god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
