I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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