Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
