I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
