Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so let's talk penis.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
