I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
