.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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