Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
