Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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