umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
