i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
