I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
