my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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