Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
