Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
