i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I AM VODKA MAN
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
