If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
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