Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
