Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
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