everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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