it's like heaven, but drunker
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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