There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
