tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
