I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
