Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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